Tim is the most optimistic person on the planet. So it makes sense that he doesn't quite understand the world of the depressed and anxious. But the man is learning, and he provides me with the support and patience that I need.
This post is going to be a little bit different. I want to open up my world a little bit, and share what makes life different for those of us struggling with depression, anxiety, or PTSD, all of which I have experienced.
I just had my last therapy session after a year and a half of regular appointments. I have come a very long way. When I began, I was diagnosed with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and anxiety. It was severe enough that it affected my ability to work, which resulted in my being without a job for 4 months (which actually turned out to be a critical part of my healing).
Now, I have a handful of tools to work through each day and come out just as bright and shiny as when I walked out of my therapist's office with a smile on my face. I understand my own head a little better, and I know what to say to myself to get through those gloomy moments. I am new.
Someone, somewhere on the internet, gave the best example ever of what life is like for the depressed. I wish I knew who said it so I could give credit where it is due (so, sir, if you ever come across this, please tell me your name so I can credit you!). They described life with depression as walking upstream, while everyone else is on the shore, hopping and skipping along like its nothing. For those of us in the middle of the river, where the current is the strongest, we have to fight, and we have to push. We can't rest, we can't let go, because if we do, we fall back, the current takes us back downstream and we lose all of that hard-earned progress. But it would feel so good to just let go. Just for a minute, and not have to try so hard. We just want a break, we want to lie back and let the current drag us back to where we are comfortable. But then we look up, and see all of our family and friends moving forward, leaving us behind, and suddenly we have to try again. And we have to work so hard to get back.
When life is this hard, we lower our expectations. We begin to think "well, I don't need to be happy, I just need to make it". The world is so big and scary, and no matter which way we look at it, there is no easy route. There will never be any rest.
That's when anxiety kicks in. The whole world will fall apart if we mess up. Like the world is hanging by a thread, and at any moment, it will break. We can't rest, we can't relax, because the world keeps moving. At lightening speed. What if I mess up? What if I humiliate myself? How do I escape this terrifying world?
I first experienced extreme anxiety a couple of years ago, and I didn't recognize the feeling. When I was a kid, I would have this recurring dream. It was a dream so intense, that it was more about a feeling than an image, or a story. It was a feeling of complete chaos. At first, it was calm, and perfect. Smooth, and untouched. Then something would disturb this perfect peace, and chaos would take over, almost instantly. It was like a wave of anger and frustration came crashing down on my perfect calm, and then this awful, uneasy feeling would take over and make me feel like my whole body was under pressure, and exploding at the same time.
I felt this feeling while I was awake for the first time ever a couple of years ago, and it scared me so badly that I told my therapist about it. That was when I was diagnosed with Anxiety.
This feeling of uncontrollable chaos is even scarier than depression for me, mostly because I have still not identified the cause. I have, however, learned to tell the difference between normal, healthy anxiety, and an attack of unnecessary proportions. This is where Tim usually comes in the save the day. All I have to do is tell him that I'm having an attack, and he just speaks calmly to me. He restores order where chaos has taken over. He calms my storm.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a bit different. There are specific causes. Often, victims of this disorder don't remember the event that caused it. PTSD affects the memory. As a coping mechanism, certain traumatizing memories are erased, which leads to behaviors and emotions that don't have much of an explanation. Fear, anxiety and depression, without any known reason. For others, the memory of the traumatic event are all we can think about. That was my leading symptom. I was taken over by The experience. I was angry, I was afraid, I couldn't sleep. Every thought I had revolved around what happened. I blamed myself, I hated myself, I wondered why I had to experience something so awful. I thought of myself as worthless.
PTSD took a toll on my mind and body. I would go through phases of being extremely careful, and then extremely careless. There were time when I didn't care at all what happened to me. I had already experienced the worst, what did it matter now? Who cares if I get in a car accident and die, who cares if I'm mugged and beaten to a pulp. I just didn't care.
But then I lost my job. I would have to leave early because of an anxiety attack. I couldn't make myself appear cheerful enough. I brought people down. I'd call in sick when I was actually fine, just because I was overwhelmed by the easiest job on the planet (seriously, what's easier than seating people at a restaurant?). Anxiety, depression, and PTSD made simple tasks seem so difficult. So I got help.
When I started therapy, I was determined. No beating around the bush. In my first session, and spilled it all out. Told my entire life story, no hesitation. I wanted to heal. It took a year and a half, but I did it. I went WAY beyond my comfort zone, I tried those weird, shrinky, relaxation exercises, I created mind maps, I even participated in those exercises where they hold up a picture and you say what comes to mind. I gave it my all.
But the weirdest thing about all this is that most people weren't aware of my struggles, or at least not the depth of them. Depression and sadness are two different things. I was depressed, and scared, but I was not sad. Depression is like a rock in your shoe. It's always there, you can always feel it, and it has the ability to ruin your day, but you can still have a great day. I was having great days. I have great days! I'm married to my best friend, we have very little responsibility, and we have so much fun. But that rock is always in my shoe. I know its there, and it is always tempting to ruin my day. But I have a choice. I can dwell on that rock, I can let it fester, and I can let it overpower my great day, or I can just let it be.
I choose to let it be.
No comments:
Post a Comment